Practical Post #6: Unity in Marriage

My husband and I recently celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary so I thought it fitting to write a post on the ways the Lord has been growing us.

But before we dive into practical applications, we need to lay the foundation of the origin of marriage. If we’re going to understand how marriage works, we need to go back to the beginning, when it was first created. And we need to look to the Creator of marriage himself for the beauty and bounds he’s set in place. As our culture attempts to redefine marriage, we can look to the One who created it and his masterful design.

“Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”
‭‭Genesis‬ ‭2‬:‭22‬-‭24‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Unity, between a man and a woman, defined the first marriage. Sin had not yet entered the world and God’s creation, including marriage, was still “very good”. When our first parents sinned (rebelled against God by disobeying his command) the fellowship man once enjoyed with God was severed—because God is holy, which means he’s set apart and cannot tolerate sin. God is also just, he must punish sin, so he placed a curse over all of creation as a result of man’s rebellion and we read a portion here:

“Then he said to the woman, “I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy, and in pain you will give birth. And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.””
‭‭Genesis‬ ‭3‬:‭16‬ ‭NLT‬‬

In Genesis 3, we see that marriage (along with all of creation) is no longer “very good”. Regarding marriage in particular, the wife’s sin-nature will desire to rule over her husband and the husband’s sin-nature will abuse (or neglect) his role as leader. Sin corrupts.

The Good News is, God is not only holy and just. He is also loving and merciful, and that’s why in Genesis 3:15 he promises a Savior—Jesus Christ, God incarnate—who paid the penalty our sins deserve, restores our relationship with God, and offers us eternal life in the family of God when we put our trust in Him for salvation. When we put our faith in Jesus, he sends the third person of the Trinity—the Holy Spirit—to mark us as a seal: redeemed. The Holy Spirit lives in us and empowers us to live a life that pleases God and is no longer ruled by sin. We still struggle with our sin-nature on this side of Heaven, but we aren’t slaves to it anymore. In Christ, we are overcomers.

What we’ve learned in a decade (plus 1) of marriage:

1. God gives us clear instructions for marriage in Ephesians 5:21-33. When a husband loves the way God calls him to, it’s very easy for a wife to respect the way God calls her to—but notice there’s nothing written about “deserving”. Wives, honor and respect your husbands even when you feel they don’t “deserve it” (vice versa husbands). Do this because God calls us to and we submit our lives, ultimately, to the authority of God our Creator and live in obedience to Him. Even when we don’t “feel” like it. Even when it’s hard. Blessings follow obedience (cf. Deuteronomy 28).
2. Know your weaknesses: men to lord their headship over women (or to neglect it altogether) and women to rule over your husband. Guard against the distortion that sin causes in marriage roles and be diligent to live in line with the roles God designed. The world tells us this is binding, but the truth is that living the way God made us to is where real freedom is. Rebellion against His decrees is bondage.
3. Know who your real enemy is—it’s never each other. Satan is out to kill, steal and destroy (John 10:10)…your marriage included. Because what comes from a godly marriage? Godly offspring. And this the Lord desires (Malachi 2:15). Further, the husband who loves his wife and lays down his life for her and the wife who submits in reverence and trust to her husband is a living picture of Christ and His bride the church.
4. The little things are the big things. It’s not about an elaborate annual vacation or expensive gifts. It’s the many, small every day choices to love and to honor one another above self. Take an extra coffee mug out when you grab yours, save your spouse the last piece of cake, snuggle at bedtime, etc. Start looking for the little (big) things.
5. Do not deprive one another (1 Corinthians 7:5). Ask God to renew your mind when it comes to intimacy in your marriage. Sin has distorted, and our enemy has turned upside-down, the beauty of what God designed to be a sacred and beautiful part of marriage—what He designed to be life-giving, literally, from the moment of fertilization when a child’s unique DNA begins.
6. Forgive as Christ forgives you (cf. Ephesians 4:32). Read Matthew 18:21-35 about the unforgiving debtor. Forgive over and over and over again, completely, with no record of wrongs. Holding on to anger gives the devil a foothold (Ephesians 4:26-27).
7. Let your kids (or anyone else, for that matter) know that you and your spouse are in unity and will not be pitted against each other—and live it out. If there is a disagreement, have it in private. Lift your spouse up when you speak of them.
8. Treat your spouse like they are the best version of themself, all the time. God sees us as the spotless, finished person—not as our imperfect, stumbling selves (works in progress). Ask God to give you eyes to see your spouse the way He sees them.
9. Pray together and for each other. Study the Word and have rich discussions in private and in front of the kids. Build one another up in the faith. In marriage, there are times when you will be weak and your spouse will remind you of the truths of God’s Word and help you point out lies and strongholds. At other times, your spouse will be weak and you will carry them through with patient endurance. It’s not a race against each other, it’s a race together, bearing one another’s burdens and helping one another to finish well—as good and faithful servants.
10. We weren’t made to be the accuser of our spouse—that’s who Satan is (cf. Revelation 12:10). We weren’t made to stand in judgement of them, but to help them reach their full potential in Christ (and don’t get me wrong, this absolutely includes giving them hard truths!). Love—the kind of love that we can’t give in our own strength, but that only comes from abiding in Christ and is the outflow of His love in our lives—this kind of love nurtures growth. It’s like fuel to be our best self. We are transformed not by the Lord’s condemnation of us, although the reality of a final and coming judgement sobers us, but it’s the passionate love of our Maker for us and His grace towards us that softens our hearts towards Him.
11. Most importantly—Prayerfully ask for wisdom and spend time in God’s Word and in His Presence. There is no special check-list for marriage. We need to learn to rely on God and the only way to do that is to walk with Him, step-by-step. He promises to light our path when we lean on Him. (Yes, I copied and pasted this from my last post and inserted “marriage”—it applies across the board!)