Practical Post #5: Careful Discipline

“Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.”
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭13‬:‭24‬ ‭NIV‬‬

When we take a look at what the word “discipline” means in the Bible, essentially it’s training, instruction or correction. Discipline encompasses everything from punishment administered in love to the continual, patient instruction we need to give our children to help train them in the ways of the Lord over a period of time (e.g. honoring parents, the golden rule, sharing, thankfulness, etc). If we shirk our duty of faithfully disciplining our children, the outcome will be as if we hated them. This area of parenting is an essential part of stewarding well these precious gifts from God, who ultimately belong to Him. If the Lord disciplines those He loves—we shall, too (cf. Hebrews 12:6).

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”
‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭12‬:‭11‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I read a secular parenting book when my first two daughters were little and it promoted a “peaceful” parenting method where supposedly no punishment was ever needed. There were even some Biblical themes present—honor, respect, empathy— intertwined with the falsehoods (had I known my Bible, I wouldn’t have been so easily duped). But you know what? All of that “peacefulness” bore the fruit of disobedient kids who didn’t believe Mom and Dad meant what they said. Because when we asked them to do or not do something, and they disobeyed, well…. there was no real consequence. And a peaceful home this does not make for. No, it’s very hard to enjoy one another in a home without laying down a foundation of (prayerfully formed, unique to your family, and Biblically steeped) house rules and being careful to discipline our children so that they learn obedience. The world balks at this word, “obedience”, but the Christian lives by it.

“Who is wise? Let them realize these things. Who is discerning? Let them understand. The ways of the Lord are right; the righteous walk in them, but the rebellious stumble in them.”
‭‭Hosea‬ ‭14‬:‭9‬ ‭NIV‬‬

The parenting method I mentioned above is rooted in the belief that we’re all inherently good at heart—and that’s not unique to the method, it’s a widely-held belief in general. The Bible teaches the opposite, “The human heart is the most deceitful of all things and desperately wicked. Who can know how bad it really is?” (Jeremiah 17:9). If we’re all good at heart, why would we need a Savior? What are we being saved from? And is that what we see when we look around, people who are good at heart? No, our hearts are truthfully sick, in need of a cure, our Savior Jesus Christ. And this heart-sickness is easy to see even in the most adorable two-year-old who will readily pop her baby sister in the face for grabbing at her toy.

“Even small children are known by their actions, so is their conduct really pure and upright?”
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭20‬:‭11‬ ‭NIV‬‬

What we’ve learned along the way

My husband and I aren’t perfect parents by any means. However, as the Lord guides us in wisdom (and grows us in patience), we’re happy to share what we’re also being schooled in. At the time of writing this, our oldest child is just shy of 9-years-old so I can only speak from experience with younger ages. I’m sure we have much to learn and I’m also sure that many of the principles will be the same because the Word of the Lord never changes.

1. Follow through on what we say. This means we must first carefully consider our words and then be prepared to follow through. It’s important to teach our kids that we mean what we say—keeping at the forefront of our minds what the Bible teaches about our words.
2. Purpose to have what we say build up and not tear down. Consider committing this verse to memory: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
   ‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭4‬:‭29‬ ‭NIV‬‬
3. Spankings—our culture would love to vilify parents who use these as part of their disciplinary toolbox. Scripture says otherwise, “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish them with the rod, they will not die. Punish them with the rod and save them from death.”
   ‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭23‬:‭13‬-‭14‬ ‭NIV‬‬
4. If we’re fuming angry, spanking (or wrathful speech) is not the way to go. Calm down, first. For me, this usually means taking a moment to breathe deeply and praying quietly for self-control. Ephesians 6:4 calls us not to embitter our children—even punishment needs to come from our love for them. When God disciplines us, He’s not trying to squash us under His thumb and condemn us. He’s guiding us away from wrong, towards what is good, with the aim of restoration. And this is how we ought to discipline our children, as well.
5. Age appropriate and child specific consequences—invest in knowing your children well and being aware of their developmental stages (i.e. physically remove the toddler from the light switch they won’t stop flicking, or if your 8yo loves her room perhaps it’s not really a consequence to be sent there).
6. Communicate well. This may mean making eye contact, coming down to their level, having them repeat back to you what they heard, etc. Sometimes I do have to yell across the house out of necessity (“no jumping on the couch!” while changing a diaper in the other room) but when I can, I find that going right to them and communicating clearly and calmly what’s expected, after getting their attention, works much better than shouting a command into the air.
7. Remember that you are the parent and the authority. It is no accident that you have been placed exactly where you are as mother or father of your specific child(ren). Don’t be intimidated by the authority God gave you—He clearly knows that you can steward it well when you abide in Him. Let’s not pass responsibility or blame off on our littles for things we should have the reins on.
8. Be on the same page as your spouse. If this is a struggle, dive into what Scripture has to say about marriage. Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her and wives respect your husbands (cf. Ephesians 5:21-33). When disagreement comes, wives, we’re called to submit (cf. 1 Peter 3:6). If there are certain sin struggles present in a marriage, I can’t speak to everyone’s unique situation. Pray for wisdom and seek wise counsel.
9. If you find yourself on a negative cycle of misbehavior and punishment, I’ve found that a rewards system helps get off of that frustrating cycle. Sticker charts have worked well for us and most recently we used a “pom-pom” system where the girls earned little poms and then traded them in for crafts or a park trip, etc. Whenever we have a specific struggle to focus in on (coming out after bedtime, unkind speech towards siblings, dinner manners, etc.), this approach has really helped.
10. Don’t be surprised, or grow weary, if you have to repeat yourself fifteen-trillion times. Patiently, plant the seeds and pray for the harvest.
11. Most importantly—Prayerfully ask for wisdom and spend time in God’s Word and in His Presence. There is no special check-list for parenting. We need to learn to rely on God and the only way to do that is to walk with Him, step-by-step. He promises to light our path when we lean on Him.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭3‬:‭5‬-‭6‬ ‭NIV‬‬